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Thursday, November 29, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Days go by ....
Life changes. And amazingly our attitude, wants and needs change with the changing situations. I am amazed by how life has changed and how less I contribute to it as time flows by.
I have had ideas about what I wanted to be in life for many years. I always thought, I wanted to be a successful career person, who is extremely intelligent, hardworking,focused and has this perfect time management skills and, also a domestic goddess.
I have debated with myself to see what my priorities were.. I began to realize that being me, I could be one or the other but never both at the same time. I have never been sure which one to choose. In school, I wanted to be a home maker, In Engineering, I thought career was key. Not being too much of a feminist myself, both looked enticing. I have been torn between being the Perfect House Wife and a Perfect Employee. Thank god I have only 2 to choose from.
I decided to pursue a Masters, not just because I wanted to be a great Engineer but, I thought it would be too much fun to learn to be independent and experiment. I was always independent (in getting my stuff done myself) back in India too, but this experience was supposed to be about managing myself. I totally loved the decision. I noticed that I was easily influenced by everyone's opinions. My own opinion today would be replaced without question by a friend's. I was very confused and to be honest, I still am. But the aim of this experiment was to figure what I really wanted to do with my life..
And I still wanted to be an employee and a wife, because I really could not choose one over the other. I love people. I love to meet people see how they think and learn from them. So I wanted to work. I also liked the idea of having a family, raising your kids and aging with someone who feels the pain/joy :). I started losing interest in the perfection aspect I associated with both before.. And as I see life unravel in front of me, I see less perfection in what ever I do. The urge to fix that seems to have eased out too. I am both a wife and an employee now. I am not perfect. I love and hate both roles based on how they treat me. My patience has been tested in my job front. I have broken down a couple of times in dismay trying to see why I let this happen to myself. Why I refused to say NO, and find another job, I can never tell.
But looking back, I see a lot has gone by, somethings have just zoomed past, but somewhere deep within, I still see myself craving for that one moment of peace, of beauty derived from perfection.
I have had ideas about what I wanted to be in life for many years. I always thought, I wanted to be a successful career person, who is extremely intelligent, hardworking,focused and has this perfect time management skills and, also a domestic goddess.
I have debated with myself to see what my priorities were.. I began to realize that being me, I could be one or the other but never both at the same time. I have never been sure which one to choose. In school, I wanted to be a home maker, In Engineering, I thought career was key. Not being too much of a feminist myself, both looked enticing. I have been torn between being the Perfect House Wife and a Perfect Employee. Thank god I have only 2 to choose from.
I decided to pursue a Masters, not just because I wanted to be a great Engineer but, I thought it would be too much fun to learn to be independent and experiment. I was always independent (in getting my stuff done myself) back in India too, but this experience was supposed to be about managing myself. I totally loved the decision. I noticed that I was easily influenced by everyone's opinions. My own opinion today would be replaced without question by a friend's. I was very confused and to be honest, I still am. But the aim of this experiment was to figure what I really wanted to do with my life..
And I still wanted to be an employee and a wife, because I really could not choose one over the other. I love people. I love to meet people see how they think and learn from them. So I wanted to work. I also liked the idea of having a family, raising your kids and aging with someone who feels the pain/joy :). I started losing interest in the perfection aspect I associated with both before.. And as I see life unravel in front of me, I see less perfection in what ever I do. The urge to fix that seems to have eased out too. I am both a wife and an employee now. I am not perfect. I love and hate both roles based on how they treat me. My patience has been tested in my job front. I have broken down a couple of times in dismay trying to see why I let this happen to myself. Why I refused to say NO, and find another job, I can never tell.
But looking back, I see a lot has gone by, somethings have just zoomed past, but somewhere deep within, I still see myself craving for that one moment of peace, of beauty derived from perfection.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Television
My parents always told me that TV was only a luxury. So it had to be used responsibly. But as far as I can recollect, we always had a TV at home. So it was a necessity to me. I watched a zillion cartoons, music shows, serials and award ceremonies on TV.
But these were the least interesting shows on TV. Watching sports (Tennis, cricket, F1 and NBA), daily news and movies were my favorites. The best memories I have of my engineering days, was watching HBO, TNT and Star Movies at odd hours of the day/night. I have been glued to the TV during F1 races and NBA games, and prayed for my favorites to win while watching tennis and cricket. I kept up with the world with the million news channels floating around. I watched TV almost all the time, even while studying for semester exams. My happy days with the Idiot Box came to an end when I relocated to USA to do my MS.
There was no TV when I lived with my roommates. And I hated the idea of streaming and buffering videos. I hated reading anything on the computer. So never bothered to read the news or cared about what happened around me and away from me. The movies I watched were either at the theater or a borrowed DVD from the library.
But I am lazy to research and find movies to watch. If it is on TV, there is no choice. But if I have to choose, I need patience to look for one. So there ended my era of entertainment and current affairs. I got to see TV rarely at a relatives place or when I traveled back home.
Every time I went back home, I was surprised to notice that the serial I watched back then was still on TV, and boring at this point. And there were a million new channels,shows and soaps on them. So I was confused on what to watch. Plus, no one appreciated it when I ignored them watched TV instead. Set Top Box was made compulsory in Chennai. There were 2 remotes now, none of which I knew how to operate. They had lots of buttons on them. And our old remote was not only used to switch on and off the TV. My grand mom taught me how to use the two remotes efficiently. But, by the time I learn it, it was already time to head back.
I surely lost interest in TV. But V on the other hand, was excited about getting married, because he could buy a TV and a sofa. I was startled. We did get married, and bought the TV and sofa he so dearly wanted. I was reluctant to use it the first 2 weeks, because of the strange remote here. Typing to search for anything on netflix or Amazon was a pain. But soon, I had an App to operate the TV on my ipad. And since then, I have watched TinTin, Johney Quest, some random movies, some cartoon movies, TV series and documentaries on it. V has willow TV account. He watches cricket. But he watches it on his laptop. I am not that keen.
Recently, V bought a one time payment Antenna that receives some free digital channels. And for the first time in a long long time, I watched French Open Finals, NBA finals and some local news channels and I am soooo thrilled.
I hopelessly fell in love with TV all over again!
But these were the least interesting shows on TV. Watching sports (Tennis, cricket, F1 and NBA), daily news and movies were my favorites. The best memories I have of my engineering days, was watching HBO, TNT and Star Movies at odd hours of the day/night. I have been glued to the TV during F1 races and NBA games, and prayed for my favorites to win while watching tennis and cricket. I kept up with the world with the million news channels floating around. I watched TV almost all the time, even while studying for semester exams. My happy days with the Idiot Box came to an end when I relocated to USA to do my MS.
There was no TV when I lived with my roommates. And I hated the idea of streaming and buffering videos. I hated reading anything on the computer. So never bothered to read the news or cared about what happened around me and away from me. The movies I watched were either at the theater or a borrowed DVD from the library.
But I am lazy to research and find movies to watch. If it is on TV, there is no choice. But if I have to choose, I need patience to look for one. So there ended my era of entertainment and current affairs. I got to see TV rarely at a relatives place or when I traveled back home.
Every time I went back home, I was surprised to notice that the serial I watched back then was still on TV, and boring at this point. And there were a million new channels,shows and soaps on them. So I was confused on what to watch. Plus, no one appreciated it when I ignored them watched TV instead. Set Top Box was made compulsory in Chennai. There were 2 remotes now, none of which I knew how to operate. They had lots of buttons on them. And our old remote was not only used to switch on and off the TV. My grand mom taught me how to use the two remotes efficiently. But, by the time I learn it, it was already time to head back.
I surely lost interest in TV. But V on the other hand, was excited about getting married, because he could buy a TV and a sofa. I was startled. We did get married, and bought the TV and sofa he so dearly wanted. I was reluctant to use it the first 2 weeks, because of the strange remote here. Typing to search for anything on netflix or Amazon was a pain. But soon, I had an App to operate the TV on my ipad. And since then, I have watched TinTin, Johney Quest, some random movies, some cartoon movies, TV series and documentaries on it. V has willow TV account. He watches cricket. But he watches it on his laptop. I am not that keen.
Recently, V bought a one time payment Antenna that receives some free digital channels. And for the first time in a long long time, I watched French Open Finals, NBA finals and some local news channels and I am soooo thrilled.
I hopelessly fell in love with TV all over again!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Content
Life has been the the most unexpected thing that ever happened to me!
I can never predict what I can I do or what can become of me. I have always been a people person. I love having people around me. I don't have to be the center of attraction. But I always love it when people get together her and invite me too. I love to talk and to listen to others.
But strangely, I can only keep up with people around me. A phone or email or Facebook conversation is next to impossible for me to maintain. Might be right or wrong, but, I prefer keeping up with people right next to me, to those farther away. In the recent past it has gotten worse. I don't stay in touch with people near me too.
I am happy sitting at home. Doing my own cooking, cleaning, TV watching, experimenting with varied stuff, and all that. Suddenly, my world is revolving around only me. And that is quite relaxing and calming. Feel like I have much less responsibilities. For the first time, I don't have the urge to travel around, make new friends, stay up to date with everyone's life.
I am happy with mine. I am engrossed in my own thoughts, actions or in-actions.
Strange how the mind seems to like this isolation. But I so love the feeling, that I am not willing to let go of it. The more I feel, I should keep up, the more I want to stay away.
Curious feelings and emotions. But I am willing to stand by me and see how this turns out. I want to thread this unexplored part of me. I know this isn't it. I will change sooner or later. Maybe people will understand, or maybe not. But, I am convinced that I need to try this. I have never been away from people. This is my one chance to give myself the time...
I can never predict what I can I do or what can become of me. I have always been a people person. I love having people around me. I don't have to be the center of attraction. But I always love it when people get together her and invite me too. I love to talk and to listen to others.
But strangely, I can only keep up with people around me. A phone or email or Facebook conversation is next to impossible for me to maintain. Might be right or wrong, but, I prefer keeping up with people right next to me, to those farther away. In the recent past it has gotten worse. I don't stay in touch with people near me too.
I am happy sitting at home. Doing my own cooking, cleaning, TV watching, experimenting with varied stuff, and all that. Suddenly, my world is revolving around only me. And that is quite relaxing and calming. Feel like I have much less responsibilities. For the first time, I don't have the urge to travel around, make new friends, stay up to date with everyone's life.
I am happy with mine. I am engrossed in my own thoughts, actions or in-actions.
Strange how the mind seems to like this isolation. But I so love the feeling, that I am not willing to let go of it. The more I feel, I should keep up, the more I want to stay away.
Curious feelings and emotions. But I am willing to stand by me and see how this turns out. I want to thread this unexplored part of me. I know this isn't it. I will change sooner or later. Maybe people will understand, or maybe not. But, I am convinced that I need to try this. I have never been away from people. This is my one chance to give myself the time...
Friday, April 13, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Matrimony
Certain nervousness,
Unknown joy embraces mind,
With hope together
Written for The Haiku Challenge 2012 - Day 10 – February 10th – Theme: Write a Haiku describing about a Special day in your life...
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