Life changes. And amazingly our attitude, wants and needs change with the changing situations. I am amazed by how life has changed and how less I contribute to it as time flows by.
I have had ideas about what I wanted to be in life for many years. I always thought, I wanted to be a successful career person, who is extremely intelligent, hardworking,focused and has this perfect time management skills and, also a domestic goddess.
I have debated with myself to see what my priorities were.. I began to realize that being me, I could be one or the other but never both at the same time. I have never been sure which one to choose. In school, I wanted to be a home maker, In Engineering, I thought career was key. Not being too much of a feminist myself, both looked enticing. I have been torn between being the Perfect House Wife and a Perfect Employee. Thank god I have only 2 to choose from.
I decided to pursue a Masters, not just because I wanted to be a great Engineer but, I thought it would be too much fun to learn to be independent and experiment. I was always independent (in getting my stuff done myself) back in India too, but this experience was supposed to be about managing myself. I totally loved the decision. I noticed that I was easily influenced by everyone's opinions. My own opinion today would be replaced without question by a friend's. I was very confused and to be honest, I still am. But the aim of this experiment was to figure what I really wanted to do with my life..
And I still wanted to be an employee and a wife, because I really could not choose one over the other. I love people. I love to meet people see how they think and learn from them. So I wanted to work. I also liked the idea of having a family, raising your kids and aging with someone who feels the pain/joy :). I started losing interest in the perfection aspect I associated with both before.. And as I see life unravel in front of me, I see less perfection in what ever I do. The urge to fix that seems to have eased out too. I am both a wife and an employee now. I am not perfect. I love and hate both roles based on how they treat me. My patience has been tested in my job front. I have broken down a couple of times in dismay trying to see why I let this happen to myself. Why I refused to say NO, and find another job, I can never tell.
But looking back, I see a lot has gone by, somethings have just zoomed past, but somewhere deep within, I still see myself craving for that one moment of peace, of beauty derived from perfection.
I have had ideas about what I wanted to be in life for many years. I always thought, I wanted to be a successful career person, who is extremely intelligent, hardworking,focused and has this perfect time management skills and, also a domestic goddess.
I have debated with myself to see what my priorities were.. I began to realize that being me, I could be one or the other but never both at the same time. I have never been sure which one to choose. In school, I wanted to be a home maker, In Engineering, I thought career was key. Not being too much of a feminist myself, both looked enticing. I have been torn between being the Perfect House Wife and a Perfect Employee. Thank god I have only 2 to choose from.
I decided to pursue a Masters, not just because I wanted to be a great Engineer but, I thought it would be too much fun to learn to be independent and experiment. I was always independent (in getting my stuff done myself) back in India too, but this experience was supposed to be about managing myself. I totally loved the decision. I noticed that I was easily influenced by everyone's opinions. My own opinion today would be replaced without question by a friend's. I was very confused and to be honest, I still am. But the aim of this experiment was to figure what I really wanted to do with my life..
And I still wanted to be an employee and a wife, because I really could not choose one over the other. I love people. I love to meet people see how they think and learn from them. So I wanted to work. I also liked the idea of having a family, raising your kids and aging with someone who feels the pain/joy :). I started losing interest in the perfection aspect I associated with both before.. And as I see life unravel in front of me, I see less perfection in what ever I do. The urge to fix that seems to have eased out too. I am both a wife and an employee now. I am not perfect. I love and hate both roles based on how they treat me. My patience has been tested in my job front. I have broken down a couple of times in dismay trying to see why I let this happen to myself. Why I refused to say NO, and find another job, I can never tell.
But looking back, I see a lot has gone by, somethings have just zoomed past, but somewhere deep within, I still see myself craving for that one moment of peace, of beauty derived from perfection.
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