Bike and Balance, Tummy and Self-Help

The past weekend has been a real eyeopener in a lot of ways. We had planned a secret party for a friend and traveled to SF for the weekend. I told myself before I left to adjust with everyone, never complain, relax, loosen up and enjoy.

It was an exciting  trip. We went biking from SF to Sausalito island through Golden Gate bridge. I took loads of pictures and thanks to all those who posed and waited patiently while I kept re taking some of the pictures. The highlights were,  breathe taking views, a good blend of serene locations and everyday hustle-bustle of a growing city , beautiful weather and my surprising ability to remember how to bike and balance.

Throughout the biking experience, I kept asking myself, who was actually biking and balancing. It could see myself making the effort to bike but, I sure wasn't trying to balance the bike. It seemed to come to me automatically (auto-magically?). When I tried to ride the bike without my legs on the pedal and hands on the steering bar, I could feel fear kick in as I lost balance. Immediately, my limbs would snap back in place almost involuntarily to get back the balance. But I could never figure how I had the balance in the first place. How can my muscles remember something I learned so long ago, when I cannot recollect a simple VLSI topic I read about a few years ago? I tried my best to concentrate on my core or muscles but nothing told me it was helping me out.

After a nice bike ride, we went back to the hotel to get ready to party. Once we were all sufficiently prepped, we realized we were late for the appointment. So we rushed to a Starbucks nearby. I ate a egg salad sandwich and headed out. As I had decided to loosen up, relax and enjoy, I thought a couple of drinks might not be a problem. So I did drink and danced continuously asking myself to relax and see how it felt. I stopped drinking when I knew I was at the edge of getting tipsy. Was a weird feeling. I spoke sense, acted sensibly but I could feel my head being a little disoriented.

I was still confident I could take care of myself. But I noticed that, my feet weren't completely in control. I actually had to make an effort to walk in a particular direction. Brain-to-Feet messages seemed very slow. Now, I know why in Tamil movies, they had funny swaying Drunkards all the time :) .. After the late night adventure, we went to JackInTheBox to take home a quick coffee or snack. I ate some Stuffed Jalapenos, my favourite. After that, is when I felt puckish in 2 minutes. I vomited a couple of times before we hit the sack. I thought it was the drinks.

The next morning we all woke up fine. I sat and spoke for a nice hour, before I realized I wanted to throw-up again. And then it never stopped. My friends brought me bananas, Gatorade, lime water, water but nothing helped. I kept throwing up everything I ate/drank. I got weaker and my knees were giving up. I couldn't support myself. And then again, I saw myself talking to me, watch what is happening to you!

I could feel my tummy wanting to curl up inside and did not want to digest anything. It was almost as if it was asking me not to put anything in my mouth. My eyes were refusing to open. Everywhere I kept sleeping, at the restaurant, in my friend's car, in the cab, at the airport, in the aircraft and at home. I decided to go home with a friend and skip flying back, because I thought I did not have energy in me to travel. But sometimes, I choose to listen to my husband, because my gut feeling said I had to trust his opinion on this. Also, I wasn't sure myself if I was making the right decision or taking the least resistance path. V suggested that I sleep in the airport, and eat/drink nothing  unless I felt hungry/thirsty (the same thing my tummy was telling me). He said, come home, you will be okay. So after bothering my friends for a good 3 hours, we headed to the airport.

I slept, ate the anti-vomit chewy my friends had bought for me and before we boarded the flight, I was slightly better. I again slept in the flight, continuously, even though it was the last row in the flight and the seats could not be pushed back. V picked us up from the airport, we reached home and I slept again. When I woke up the next morning, I was weak, due to no intake of food or water but I knew my tummy was alright. It wasn't curling up anymore. I felt light in my tummy and a very familiar hunger. I ate curd rice with vathakuzhambu. And then I was back in action. I did not sleep that afternoon, decided to do my chores, so I can be ready for the next work day and grocery shopping.

And at the end of the day, as I was craving for some junk food, I relaxed and sat quietly for a few moments and realized my tummy wasn't craving the food. I made the sensible choice to pass on the junk food this time. I felt even better when I realized, I had learnt how to listen to my tummy. I write this, so I can come back and remember this experience. It was awe-inspiring to see how quickly and efficiently my stomach knew that it had to digested something bad, and stood up for itself  almost immediately. I had learnt a valuable lesson from my stomach that day. To stand up for myself, when I need my help. And this shall be my motto until this continues to inspire me.

Love you my stomach!!!

 

Music, Me and TMK

My love for Carnatic music has always been wavering. I have an excess of it or nothing at all. I go listening to certain artists and certain songs in loops for days and then quit listening to music all together for a long time.

But one thing remains a constant. I love the "Carnatic" form of music more than any other genre. My mom introduced me to TM Krishna a few years ago. She mentioned how nicely  he had performed in a charity concert. Her real expression was " yenna viru viruppa paadinaan !!"

I have ever since listened to this man on you tube. But there is nothing like watching a concert live. When I was in India in December, I had the privilege to go to a couple of them. I got to see and listen to my favourite singer Aruna Sairam. The impact of the concert versus the youtube videos wasn't very different in her case.

But T M K was another level when I was at his concert. I could totally relate to his music somehow. And he sang very very slowly that day. My dad and me  used to make fun of a girl who used to learn music from the same teacher as I did. We used to call her Sulochana (Slowchana), because she sang very slow. But we could not make fun of this man. He was in a different place. He sang like no one was listening to him. He paused to appreciate his own recitals in some places with a 'aha'. I guess he was thrilled by the variety that came through him. That is what made me feel very very happy.

I love watching people, who love the work they do. He definitely enjoys his work.

Jaisree1983's photostream

Jaisree1983's photostream on Flickr.

Days go by ....

Life changes. And amazingly our attitude, wants and needs change with the changing situations. I am amazed by how life has changed and how less I contribute to it as time flows by.

I have had ideas about what I wanted to be in life for many years. I always thought, I wanted to be a successful career person, who is extremely intelligent, hardworking,focused and has this perfect time management skills and, also a domestic goddess.

I have debated with myself to see what my priorities were.. I began to realize that being me, I could be one or the other but never both at the same time. I have never been sure which one to choose. In school, I wanted to be a home maker, In Engineering, I thought career was key. Not being too much of a feminist myself, both looked enticing. I have been torn between being the Perfect House Wife and a Perfect Employee. Thank god I have only 2 to choose from.

I decided to pursue a Masters, not just because I wanted to be a great Engineer but, I thought it would be too much fun to learn to be independent and experiment. I was always independent (in getting my stuff done myself) back in India too, but this experience was supposed to be about managing myself. I totally loved the decision. I noticed that I was easily influenced by everyone's opinions. My own opinion today would be replaced without question by a friend's. I was very confused and to be honest, I still am. But the aim of this experiment was to figure what I really wanted to do with my life..

And I still wanted to be an employee and a wife, because I really could not choose one over the other. I love people. I love to meet people see how they think and learn from them. So  I wanted to work. I also liked the idea of having a family, raising your kids and aging with someone who feels the pain/joy :). I started losing interest in the perfection aspect I associated with both before.. And as I see life unravel in front of  me, I see less perfection in what ever I do. The urge to fix that seems to have eased out too. I am both a wife and an employee now. I am not perfect. I love and hate both roles based on how they treat me. My patience has been tested in my job front. I have broken down a couple of times in dismay trying to see why I let this happen to myself. Why I refused to say NO,  and find another job, I can never tell.

But looking back, I see a lot has gone by, somethings have just zoomed past, but somewhere deep within, I still see myself craving for that one moment of peace, of beauty derived from perfection.

Television

 My parents always told me that TV was only a luxury. So it had to be used responsibly. But as far as I can recollect, we always had a TV at home. So it was a necessity to me. I watched a zillion cartoons, music shows, serials and award ceremonies on TV.

But these were the least interesting shows on TV. Watching sports (Tennis, cricket, F1 and NBA), daily news  and movies were my favorites. The best memories I have of my engineering days, was watching  HBO, TNT and Star Movies at odd hours of the day/night.  I have been glued to the TV during F1 races and NBA games, and prayed for my favorites to win while watching tennis and cricket. I kept up with the world with the million news channels floating around. I watched TV almost all the time, even while studying for semester exams. My happy days with the Idiot Box came to an end when I relocated to USA to do my MS.

There was no TV when I lived with my roommates. And I hated the idea of streaming and buffering videos. I hated reading anything on the computer. So never bothered to read the news or cared about what happened around me and away from me. The movies I watched were either at the theater or a borrowed DVD from the library.

But I am lazy to research and find movies to watch. If it is on TV, there is no choice. But if I have to choose, I need patience to look for one. So there ended my era of entertainment and current affairs. I got to see TV rarely at a relatives place or when I traveled back home.

Every time I went back home, I was surprised to notice that the serial I watched back then was still on TV, and boring at this point. And there were a million new channels,shows and soaps on them. So I was confused on what to watch. Plus, no one appreciated it when I ignored them watched TV instead. Set Top Box was made compulsory in Chennai. There were 2 remotes now, none of which I knew how to operate. They had lots of buttons on them. And our old remote was not only used to switch on and off the TV. My grand mom taught me how to use the two remotes efficiently. But, by the time I learn it, it was already time to head back.

I surely lost interest in TV. But V on the other hand, was excited about getting married, because he could buy a TV and a sofa. I was startled. We did get married, and bought the TV and sofa he so dearly wanted. I was reluctant to use it the first 2 weeks, because of the strange remote here. Typing to search for anything on netflix or Amazon was a pain. But soon, I had an App to operate the TV on my ipad. And since then, I have watched TinTin, Johney Quest, some random movies, some cartoon movies, TV series and documentaries on it.  V has willow TV account. He watches cricket. But he watches it on his laptop. I am not that keen.

Recently, V bought a one time payment Antenna that receives some free digital channels. And for the first time in a long long time, I watched French Open Finals, NBA finals and some local news channels and I am soooo thrilled.

I hopelessly fell in love with TV all over again!

Content

Life has been the the most unexpected thing that ever happened to me!
I can never predict what I can I do or what can become of me. I have always been a people person. I love having people around me. I don't have to be the center of attraction. But I always love it when people get together her and invite me too. I love to talk and to listen to others.

But strangely, I can only keep up with people around me. A phone or email or Facebook conversation is next to impossible for me to maintain. Might be right or wrong, but, I prefer keeping up with people right next to me, to those farther away. In the recent past it has gotten worse. I don't stay in touch with people near me too. 

I am happy sitting at home. Doing my own cooking, cleaning,  TV watching, experimenting with varied stuff, and all that. Suddenly, my world is revolving around only me. And that is quite relaxing and calming. Feel like I have much less responsibilities. For the first time, I don't have the urge to travel around, make new friends, stay up to date with everyone's life.

I am happy with mine. I am engrossed in my own thoughts, actions or in-actions.
Strange how the mind seems to like this isolation. But I so love the feeling, that I am not willing to let go of it. The more I feel, I should keep up, the more I want to stay away.

Curious feelings and emotions. But I am willing to stand by me and see how this turns out. I want to thread this unexplored part of me. I know this isn't it. I will change sooner or later. Maybe people will understand, or maybe not. But, I am convinced that I need to try this. I have never been away from people. This is my one chance to give myself the time...

Jaisree1983's photostream

Jaisree1983's photostream on Flickr.